"Is there something wrong with me?"
Of course she had to ask what in the world I was talking about, to which I explained.
I don't sit and visit very well. Some of you know it, and I know some get irritated with me. I am very sorry I can sometimes come across as rude. I honestly do not mean it and it is nothing personal against you.
I'm just me.
My Mom told me it's partly anxiety and partly personality. Which, though I don't like to admit it, is true.
I always have suffered from anxiety. I was terrified of grocery stores as a little girl, or of large crowds of people. I didn't like the commotion or the strange faces all around.
As I grew older my old anxieties faded, but new ones grew.
I became extremely anxious when I heard of politics or if I followed the news. I didn't like hearing about all the wrongs that are happening in my world, or of the trials we are destined to face.
I was afraid to dream of a future for I felt, "What is the point?"
I felt a heavy burden. I must pray for my country. For my world. At all moments or it would come crashing down, and it would be all my fault. I wasn't praying hard enough.
I later came to realize that I can't save this world with my prayers and worries.
I can pray, of course, but I can't think the weight of the world is all on me.
God's got this.
He has it under control. All will be well. All is well. Nothing happens in this life without His knowing, and everything, good or bad, is just a curve in our road to Glory.
My heart knows this to be true, but my flesh as another story. I still can be sucked back into that mind set of before. I still can struggle with the thought of tomorrow and what lies ahead.
So, I stay away from it. Isn't that what we are to do? When we know we have a weakness, we don't go towards it?
You may notice I don't stick around when politics arrive into the conversation.
Or, when it is anything negative, really. Health, sadness, anger, depression. I emotionally can't handle it.
Maybe I'm the one in the wrong, but it is a daily struggle of mine.
God has showed me to not dwell on those things. For me, that is just staying completely away.
I have come to believe strongly in my heart that was are not to talk negative.
We shouldn't talk of what God hasn't blessed us with. We shouldn't dwell on the trials we have been given.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
That verse is just so clear to me. Think on these things.
Don't think about what evils are surrounding us. God's love always abounds.
Don't worry about your health. Thank God each morning you are here for one more day. One more hour. You are still here for a purpose. Don't think about what if God takes you tomorrow. Thank Him for giving you today.
Don't wonder where your life is going. What God has in store. Just believe with all your being that it is a far more beautiful life than you can even imagine.
Thank God for the rain that waters this earth.
Thank Him for the wind that blows the crisp leaves through the sky.
Thank Him you have two hands to work. Two eyes to see. Arms to hold those you love near.
Imagine what this world would be like if everyone played Pollyanna's "Glad Game"?
To find the good in everything. For there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.
I think of Corrie ten Boom.
Her world as she knew it was shattered. Her home completely torn apart. She watched loved ones be taken away and die. If anyone had a right to complain, she did.
But she didn't.
Corrie and her sister Betsy were placed in a camp during World War II. It was a horrible life. They were worked. They were beat. They were covered in fleas.
They thanked God for the fleas.
For with the fleas, the guards stayed out of their rooms, and they were able to hold Bible studies.
I want to be like Corrie and Betsy.
How do I?
During family gatherings, it isn't uncommon to find me on the floor with a baby cousin. Laughing and playing in our own little world.
I have always loved babies. Which is where my personality part comes in.
I love to watch their little eyes light up and their toothless smiles flash. I love to hear little feet pitter patter across the floor and tiny voices singing through the air.
Babies are innocent and loving. They don't care what you look like. Whether you wear too much make-up or your clothes aren't what they'd wear.
Weather your hair is a mess or your skin isn't perfect.
They accept you for who you are and can melt the biggest fear away with their tiny arms around your neck.
I have learned, for my own sake, to breathe in the world of little ones. To embrace the beauty of childhood.
Because of my love for babies, I learned I can keep my worries down if I stop dwelling on what I hear and just focus on those faces.
So, if I don't visit you like you wish, I am sorry. I truly am. And will make a effort to do better at listening.
It isn't because I don't like you or what you are saying!
Because not all conversations around me are negative!
I think I have gotten into the habit, like my Mom said, of having a fear something negative might come up so I subconsciously learned to just, well, not listen.
This is just who I am. I'm just me.
I find my joy in my young cousins. I find my peace and my life.
I have learned they help me to remember not all this world is bad. That God is awesome.
That life is beautiful.