"Will that ever be me?"
I have felt more and more that I need to be content and I may never marry. I don't feel panic, I just feel sad. Yes, I know I am only nineteen years old (though my twentieth birthday seems to be approaching faster than I appreciate) but since I was fifteen years old I've been waiting. My biggest dream as a girl was to get married at seventeen. The Lord knew best and that dream did not happen. But it opened my eyes and showed me I can't plan my life and must leave it in my Saviour's hands.
I can't change what He has planned, and I shouldn't desire to.
This portion from Louisa May Alcott's lovely "Little Women" has stuck out to me from the first time I read it.
“Mother, have you ‘plans’ for us as Mrs. Moffat said?”asked Meg bashfully.
“Yes, my dears, I have a great many; all mothers’ do, but mine differ somewhat from Mrs. Moffat’s, I suspect. I will tell you some of them, for the time has come when a word may set this romantic little head and heart of yours right, on a very serious subject. You are young Meg, but not too young to understand me, and mother’s lips are the fittest to speak of such things to girls like you. Jo, your turn will come in time, perhaps, so listen to my ‘plans’, and help me carry them out, if they are good. I want my daughters to be beautiful, accomplished, and good; to be admired, loved, and respected; to have a happy youth, to be well and wisely married, and to lead useful, pleasant lives, with as little care and sorrow to try them as God sees fit to send. To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it Meg, right to hope for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy. My dear girls, I am ambitious for you, but not to have you dash in the world, marry rich men merely because they are rich, or have splendid houses, which are not homes because love is wanting. Money is a needful and precious thing- and, when well used, a noble thing- but I never want you to think it is the first or only prize to strive for. I’d rather see you poor men’s wives, if you were happy, beloved, contented, than queens on thrones, without self-respect and peace.”
"...Leave these things to time; make this home happy, so that you may be fit for homes of your own,
if they are offered you, and contented here if they are not.”
and contented here if they are not.
One of the hardest things I struggle with is being content. I was always told to be content today and just wait until God sends "the one". Then that line struck out to me. I must be content always. Even if I don't marry.
I still dream about my house (I have so many dreams about that place!). About teaching my children to read. About making my husband supper. But I know that God has my life planned to my very last breath and I must walk in His way to be happy.