A friend came to me the other day with their own questions and worries. I hurt for them. I wanted so badly to reassure them that they're not the only one who has thought these same thoughts. That it really will be okay. You may not have had the exact same, but I know we all have a little inside voice that does not know how to go away. One that says hurtful things, and you believe them.
What if I never marry?
What if I never find the one?
What if God doesn’t want me to be a wife and mother?
What will I do?
How could anyone fall in love with me?
There are so many other girls out there better than me.
Why would someone pick me out of all of the others?
I’ll never be good enough.
You are not stylish enough. No one will notice you.
You have too many faults. Too many doubts. You worry too much. Your too quiet. You don’t know how to share your emotions…
You’ll be alone forever.
That's a scary word, isn't it? One that leaves you feeling desperate and afraid. I don't know if the words will come out how I am trying to say them.
I would like to share my experience with these questions, in hopes that it will help someone traveling the same weary road.
When I was around four or five years old, I was playing with my dollies in the dining room. Mommy sat on the phone at the kitchen counter. I don’t know what she was talking about or who she was talking to but I can still hear her words,, “I was seventeen when I got married. So was my Mom…” Right then and there I decided I had to be seventeen when I married. How could I break the tradition? It would be easy. Meet him when I’m fifteen or sixteen, marry at seventeen.
How could that be hard?
I clung to that dream all the way through the years. I knew God would make it come true. I prayed every night He would. That wasn’t too much to ask? I mean it wasn’t like I wanted to conquer the world or own a mansion. I just wanted to get married at seventeen.
Even if I said “thy will be done” after each prayer, I really wanted my will.
Years went by and my thirteenth birthday came. Then my fourteenth. Fifteenth.
I began to panic. If something didn’t happen soon my dream wouldn’t come true! I prayed harder. Surely something would open up. Soon my sixteenth birthday was upon me. I was anxious. Then I turned seventeen. “My last chance.”
A year went by. Too fast. Then that dreaded day came.
I turned eighteen.
I couldn’t believe that in the blink of an eye, my entire life dream had disappeared behind me.
Why hadn’t God answered my years of praying? I was hurt. I felt I had been betrayed.
I tried to accept the fact that God knew best, but somehow I couldn’t see why I couldn’t of had my way.
Then somewhere I read a quote that seemed to slap me in the face.
“Wherever you are, be all there.” - Jim Elliot
So simple. Yet it really hit me, hard. God has me in this time, I need to put my whole heart into being a daughter-at-home. No, there was no lighting flashing, thunder crashing. But God used that simple line to slowly change my heart. I began to read blogs about being content with your life. I realized that I was acting like a spoiled child in a candy store. I was stomping my foot and telling God what I wanted, not asking. I was always looking for tomorrow. Aching for the future. I was forgetting to live in the here and now.
I forgot to thank God for my life today.
Somewhere along the way it came to me that I needed to stop thinking of myself. It really wasn’t time for me to marry. (Now looking back, I know I was not ready to marry at my dream age. I still have so much to learn today!) God did know best.
Through my experiences I have learned so much. To be patient. To be content. To live in today.
But most of all I realized that someone really does love me. They noticed me. They knew me from the beginning and always loved me. Even when I wasn’t being loving back. That I could never truly be alone. I realized that through it all, even if I never marry, Jesus will always be there. I don’t need anything more.
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
Today I still have my days where I struggle with loneliness. Where I wonder what God really wants me to do in this life. But then I remember what Jim Elliot said and I have peace.
I try to learn from today. I do a lot of listening. I ponder what I hear and I try to learn how to be a young Christian woman. Hopefully, to be the kind of wife God would want me to be.
How to cook and clean and teach children. I am so very blessed to have a Mother who is passionate about the role she has and she teaches me so much! She listens and talks to me.
I know I am blessed beyond words!
Anyone out there waiting, I want you to know that it will be ok. God is always there. You need no fear of being alone. He can give you that peace and comfort you long for. Live today. Sit by your Mom and see what you can learn from her. Thrive where God has you right now and remember,
"Wherever you are, be all there".